Strikhedonia

In my skinny jeans

Just walking home

Moving with routines

All alone

Till you jumped by my side

Curious as I

Our distance wide

Starting out shy

We exchanged names

Cautious but wandering

Carrying our own flames

Thoughts pondering

You're tall she mutters

Suddenly standing against me

My bones shuttered

Touch given freely

Kindness flowed abundantly

Through her treasured heart

I noticed inconspicuously

And didn't want to part

You aren't like anyone

Are you real or just a dream

I've been staring at the sun

It's dangerous bright beams

We've been walking for days

Barely touching the surface

Exploring each other in different ways

Did the universe do this on purpose?

We stopped at a red light

There was something undeclared

Eyes on your shoes

Said you were scared

I placed your hand to my heart

Thumps beating through my chest

This is the exhilarating part

Don't be distressed

Walk with me more

Open your soul to everything

Our bodies will get sore

But our united hands will dampen the sting

Trust cannot be lost

With no valid reason

There are no lines we have crossed

Baby, this is our season

See how the birds sing

How the moon rises above us

We are puppets on a string

This path was given to us

A gift to be thankful for

It's okay to ask for more

Make your strides like mine

Everything will be just fine

Flowers Die Slowly

At the top of the hill I waited and watched for you
My eyes peered down a light brown path
Hugged by splintering trees and bright green leaves
Trodden over by thousands of searching souls

I was watching so intently that the sense of sound left me
Like a single 4 x 6 photo blown up in front of me
I heard no feathered animal singing it's beautiful song
No cricket rubbing it's legs like a fine tuned violin

I did not hear the leaves clapping their hands
or the beating of my impatient heart
I could not even hear the breath through my lips
For I realize now my breathing had ceased

You could never hear my internal deliberations
Intentions are born in the mind
Secret signs unknown to the outside world
That I held so delicately for you

More delicate than the soft pedals of a dying flower
That fall away peacefully, preciously, and pleasurably
Like a three syllable haiku
Flawlessly constructed with time

My entirety waited conspicuously
My heart flittered generously
My breath stopped unconsciously
Time ticked away incessantly

You walked away from me delicately
Like the soft pedals of a dying flower
Slowly, shallowly, successfully

The Matter of Perspective

Everyday we are bombarded with media, cars, news reports, weather reports, telephone poles, cement, stereotypes, grocery stores, pest control, formalities, laws. These things overwhelm me so much that I only find comfort in nature or playing like a child. You can't play like a child in "the world." Nature is the only place I feel most comfortable being free. I am not constrained by time, money, people, tasks, cleaning, expectations, so much difference. 

My best friend, James, took me on a exploration of mind, body and soul yesterday. I followed him to what seemed like the ends of the earth, the ends of my soul, my entire being. Places I hadn't reached or touched in so very long. James pushed me, into mud, but into myself. He showed me how much I've changed in the past 10 years. I watched as he ran around like a little boy, jumping off trees and climbing hills and swinging from branches. He walked through spider webs and challenged me to do the same. I had an excuse for everything. I either didn't think I was capable, I was afraid, or I thought it was silly. At one point I even said that if I lived in the woods I would get bored. Me...bored...in nature? What?! I said that. I didn't want to catch a lizard because I was afraid it would bite me. Even if it bit me, what would that really do? 

I've been thinking that I've been risking more than I ever have in life. I have risked NOTHING. I have been challenging myself but not enough. I can be conquering so much more! I've lost the only thing that has kept me sane. 

The world has conditioned me into someone I've never wanted to be. I'm a radical. I've always been that way. On our walk I came up with a quote unintentionally, I said "I want to be a part of this world, yet apart from this world." That balance is difficult to find.

We walked for three hours straight. It was like being in a new world filled with luxuries you can't find in the city. Luxuries being dirt and no human beings; besides Sheridan popping out of the woods on her run, lost, haha. 

There was mud down an entire path and there was no way to avoid it. I wanted to put warrior marks on James' face but he wouldn't let me; so I grabbed some mud and he took off running. I took off running as fast as I could. James was laughing and I was screaming. I got stuck at one point that I almost face planted into the muddy dirt. I would not have minded but I was too intent on chasing him down. We had so many laughs. We talked about good things, bad things and sad things; change and difference. We talked about God and who He is to us. There was so much freedom that I forgot what freedom felt like. 

When I was a child, I was told to grow up fast. Too fast. I've never been able to enjoy my childhood until now. My childhood is now. I'm too afraid to grow up. I'm learning to do both, but I can't forget where my origins lie...in the dirt. 

“A human being is a part of the whole called by us universe, a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feeling as something separated from the rest, a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest to us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty.” 

~Albert Einstein

The Domino Effect of Love

Today a song came on that immediately reminded me of you. It reminded me of how I felt for 6 months after you left me. When I listen to the song, I am consumed by past and present emotions. I will always remember how it all felt, but I am no longer connected to you. I hope that I left you with enough to let you know that I loved you more than you ever believed I did.

The song:

Constellations

That moment can never be replaced
You were crazy. You are crazy
You felt too much
You feel too little

Your long, wavy brown hair
Your beauty
As if you were the creator of the ocean
One with the sea
You birthed four dolphins

As a child I idolized you
I memorized your movements
Your tone. Your hands. Your tears.

You were always teaching me how to be alive
I watched as you ran into the cold sea
Your pants darkening into the rippling, rushing water
The wave crashed over your now shadowy face

You beckoned me to follow suit
Courage lacking
Yet my body wanted to feel
It always needs to feel

I let you fool yourself
I let you feel all alone
You don't know very much about life
Misery is all you know

Now I find myself alive
More alive than you'll ever be
I run into freezing hurricane storms
Catch hail with my mouth
I scream your name
But there is no answer

I always want to feel
Who will feel with me?
Swallowing sea salt
Cleansing my system

I dance in the falling water
and remember how you taught me to feel
Now I feel everything
Everything.

"Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life.” 

                                                                                        - Bob Marley

"Some call love a curse, some call love a thief

But she's my home

And she's as much apart for this broken heart, 

but see

Broken bones always seem to mend"

~ Angus & Julia Stone

Sagittarius

...their passion for love smolders underneath their calm and composed nature.

Searching For a Distance

A magnifying glass from the drawer

Shining silver and streak clean

I bring it-too close for comfort

Searching. 

I am conspicuous 

The largest brown eye like a monster

Tracking the earth

Searching.

White breath fogging the glass

Push away

Shake it off

Autofocus. 

Searching.

Grasp the colored lights and darks

Sharps, dulls, thicks, thins

Pros. Cons.

Searching.

Corner to corner

Fierce red persistence

Eyes and mind wide open

Searching.

Black abyss soaking the canvas

Giving to what cannot be found

Finding broken down lines

Fading

Searching.

Searching. Searching. Searching for what may not exist.

Never Regret

It's unfortunate the position that we're in.
Anger still lies beneath this heart of mine,
 though when I think of what we had, I smile in joy.
The situation is sticky. Was sticky. Will probably always be sticky.
But I'd rather have that than nothing.
It was all worth it to me.
You were worth every ounce of pain.
As you embark in the rest of your journey, I hope you always remember me.
As I'll always remember you.

Love,

Nat

Quotes about Weight

There are many times in our lives when we create more burden than necessary. We allow our minds to bend and twist intricately complicated ideas, most of which are false. Our bodies then enact the fight or flight response. This response is prehistoric. Back in the day it was meant for fighting and being aware of your surroundings, not stress from people or silly things like whether or not someone likes you, etc. Think about the things in your life that are facts and those that are assumptions. Write them down. Then cross off everyone that you CANNOT prove. Get down to the things you actually know. Then you can move forward and reduce your stress. This goes for insecurities as well. I've met many people who feel inferior to others, less beautiful, or less confident. We are all equal. We are all beautiful and confident. It's inside us all, we just need to harness it and ride it. Be in control of your mind and your body. 

Here are some quotes to encourage you:

“You wanna fly, you got to give up the shit that weighs you down.”
Toni Morrison

“Even the models we see in magazines wish they could look like their own images.”
Cheri K. Erdman.

“To lose confidence in one’s body is to lose confidence in oneself.”
Simone de Beauvoir

“Body acceptance means, as much as possible, approving of and loving your body, despite its “imperfections”, real or perceived. That means accepting that your body is fatter than some others, or thinner than some others, that your eyes are a little crooked, that you have a disability that makes walking difficult, that you have health concerns that you have to deal with — but that all of that doesn’t mean that you need to be ashamed of your body or try to change it. Body acceptance allows for the fact that there is a diversity of bodies in the world, and that there’s no wrong way to have one.” 
Golda Poretsky

What we ace may look insurmountable. But I learned something from all those years of training and competing. I learned something from all those sets and reps when I didn't think I could lift another ounce of weight. What I learned is that we are always stronger than we know.
Arnold Schwarzenegger



From birth, man carries the weight of gravity on his shoulders. He is bolted to earth. But man has only to sink beneath the surface and he is free.
Jacques Yves Cousteau


One word frees us of all the weight and pain in life. The word is love.
Sophocles 


Being in control of your life and having realistic expectations about your day-to-day challenges are the keys to stress management, which is perhaps the most important ingredient to living a happy, healthy and rewarding life.
Marilu Henner


Adopting the right attitude can convert a negative stress into a positive one.
Hans Selye

The components of anxiety, stress, fear and anger do not exist independently of you in the world. They simply do not exist in the physical world, even though we talk about them as if they do.
Wayne Dyer


The greatest weapon against stress is our ability to choose one thought over another.
William James 


Training gives us an outlet for suppressed energies created by stress and thus tones the spirit just as exercise conditions the body.
Arnold Schwarzenegger


If you ask what is the single most important key to longevity, I would have to say it is avoiding worry, stress and tension. And if you didn't ask me, I'd still have to say it.
George Burns

Learning to walk away is hard but staying to suffer is harder. Mariel Avila